What’s So Gay About Gaia?

13 May

I’m just a simple country bloke. So I’ll admit to finding this whole Gaia thing a bit confusing.

It seems to me that all these folk who are so concerned about Gaia, are a bit confused too.

After all, what’s so gay about Gaia?

The confusion begins with the pronunciation. Some say “GAY-a”. Some say “GUY-a”. Now, this is Mother Earth we’re talking about, right?

By all reports, Gaia is not gay at all. In any sense of the word.

On the contrary, we’re told that Gaia is most definitely a “she”. And that she is not happy, either.

We are told that Gaia has been getting hot and bothered. All steamed up, in fact. And that’s the real problem, apparently. They claim she can’t release it. So they say she’s getting hotter. And crankier.

With us.

In this age when someone else is always to blame for everything, unsurprisingly, “man” is responsible.

The confusion of mixed messages keeps coming. We’re always hearing how all these Gaia-loving folk want to “save the planet”. It seems that not getting some is now a life-threatening condition. Who knew.

If these folk were serious about helping Gaia get her rocks off, then they’ve been going about it all wrong. Frankly, I wonder whether they might not be a little confused about how to get one off themselves.

Could it be that they are suffering from the very condition that they so loudly ascribe to Gaia? It would explain a lot.

Think about it.

If nothing else, it certainly appears that Gaia-savers don’t quite understand the basic laws of physical attraction.

Every creature does things to enhance its pulling power. So you’d think that these lovers of Mother Nature might heed a few examples from … ummm … nature. And perhaps try to help Gaia to follow the example of her most advanced carbon life-forms.

Now I know there’s been a lot of complaining about cutting down rainforests. But we shouldn’t be hypocritical, or selfish. Gaia might just up her chances if word got around the Milky Way that she has a well trimmed Brazilian.

Come at that, why not get her some plastic surgery? I hear it’s all the rage these days. Especially with our most advanced carbon species – the educated, caffeinated, inner city folk. Which does beg the question though, why are they against more plastic for Gaia?

Perhaps they feel that they are already doing their bit, by quietly investing in all those wonderful mining companies. After all, “mining” is just the polite term for “planetary liposuction” in educated circles.

I hear tell that in the original story, Gaia was a “broad-breasted” woman who gave birth to Uranus. Which makes all the more confusing her latter-day devotees’ strange lack of support for sand mining. After all, silica is the essential ingredient in silicone. And how often do we hear ladies complain that gravity is a bitch.

At 4.5 billion years of age, Mother Nature is no spring chicken. So for all the confusion about Gaia in this New Age, one thing is crystal clear.

We all must pull together if we’re going to transform her into a MILF.

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